Blaze's SpiderMan the first movie Spoof
by StarBlazerM31
Summary: Blaze's warped version of the first SpiderMan movie. I don't think it will ever be finished, but read if you're up for a laugh...and the interjections of an annoying Gobby fangirl.
1. THE BEGINNING! Or is it the start? Wha...

DISCLAIMER: Spider-Man, the Green Goblin, and all those peeps belong to Marvel and anyone else I can't think of. Blaze and Kaede are made-up characters and are property of me and Crystal. Yes, they will be making regular appearances throughout the course of this story. Yes, this story is told through the female fangirl perspective, so guys please beware of female fangirly comments.

This spoof has a lot of things that might not be suitable for youngsters. Like varicose veins. You don't want your kids getting those early, now do you? Anyway, read the spoof with an open mind, and don't pay any attention to the falling rhinos.

-Blaze

* * *

**_Cool opening credits w/awesome music. Green Goblin's face flashes by and Blaze squeals. End of opening credits._**

**Peter:** Who am I? You sure you want to know? Well, now that you mention it, so do I... Anyway, don't believe what people say about me. It's a lie. A LIE!! But like any story worth boring you to death, this is all about a girl.

**_Cut to Mary-Jane on the cheese._**

That Girl. Mary-Jane Watson. The chick who lives in the house next to mine.

**_Flash enters the scene._**

I'd like to tell you that that large hunk of prehistoric idiocy is me...

**_Fat guy w/doughnut_**

Um...maybe not him...

**_Peter chasing the cheese._**

That's me! Ain't I sexy?

**Audience:** No!!

**Tobey Maguire Fan Girl:** Eeeeeeeee!!

**Peter:** Hey! Idiot bus driver! Stop the bus!

**Idiot Bus Driver:** Hehehehehe...

**Mary-Jane:** Idiot bus driver, stop the bus. Don't you know that he's the hero of this movie? He can kick your fat ass!

**_Idiot bus driver stops the bus. Peter gets on._**

**Peter:** You fat tub o' lard! You could lose your license for that!

**Idiot bus driver:** Really? Cool! No more carting around stupid brats!

**_Cut to ridiculously huge stairway of some big college._**

**Cool Teacher:** Annoying New York highschoolers! (kindergarten tone) Be good on our field trip, of you won't get a snack break.

**_Mary-Jane turns and waves. Peter thinks that she is waving at him. Loser._**

**Peter:** I am such a loser.

**_Suddenly, a really cool black car that is obviously owned by a rich guy pulls up. Inside the car, we see Harry Osborn, a James Dean wannabe, and his extremely good-looking/dashing/holy-crap-I'm-gonna-pass-out-dad, Norman Osborn._**

**Harry:** Mr. Driver, can we pull around? I don't want these annoying public school kids to gawk at my...I mean...DAD's cool car.

**Norman:** What was that?

**Harry:** Nothing, dear father.

**_They stare at each other for a second._**

**Harry:** Um...bye!

**_Harry gets out of the car and catches up with Peter. Unbeknownst to him, he has left his backpack in the car. Not wanting Harry to be depraved of quality public school education (and also seeing this as a perfect opportunity to brown-nose into Harry's personal life), Norman gets out of the car to return it._**

**Harry:** I sense a disturbance in the Force! sees Norman Aaaaaahhh!! He's got that look of maniacal insanity! Hide me before he throws a pumpkin bomb!

**Peter:** Oh don't be silly, Harry! We haven't even reached that part of the movie yet!

**_Half of the audience gets up to leave. Unfortunately, the theatre attendants have bolted the doors, so they are forced to sit back down._**

**Norman:** Forget something? holds up backpack

**Harry:** ...D'oh! takes the damn bag Oh... Peter, this is my rich, know- it-all dad, Norman Osborn.

**Blaze:** Go Norman!!

**Harry:** Dad, this is my genius friend, Peter Parker, who I am extremely jealous of.

**Norman:** I can see why. HE didn't forget his backpack.

**Harry:** Oh drop it, you old fogie...I mean...yeah! I am a loser!

**Peter:** No, I am.

**Harry:** No, me!

**Peter:** No, me!

**_Ten minutes later..._**

**Harry:** ME!

**Peter:** ME INFINITY!!

**Harry:** Damn!

**Norman:** ... ... ...blink I think we've just tossed this scene out the window.

**Peter:** Nah, just into oncoming traffic. SPLAT! See?

**Peter, Harry, Norman:** Ewwwwwww...

**Audience:** Okay, enough with the bad puns!

**_Peter and Norman talk about parents. Harry acts jealous. Norman leaves._**

**Blaze:** Nooooo!!

**Peter:** Hey, you've got a cool dad, Harry!

**Harry:** Of course. He's a geek like you. That's why you and I are friends.

**_Suddenly, Harry is mysteriously struck by a bolt of lightning._**

**Blaze:** looks around innocently

**_Continue on two chapter twooooo..._**


	2. More Spider Spoofiness

**_Cut to really big room with a really big thingy in the center. A bunch of scientist people are walking around, acting like they're busy._**

**Tour Guide Lady:** Here is our spider room. It has spiders in it. And to your left, a naked pig!

**Peter:** Oooooo!! I'm in geek heaven! Look at the big thingy, Harry! It's the biggest thingy in the world!

**Harry:** Nah, my dad's thingy is a lot bigger.

**_There is a sound of sniggering from the perverted audience. Bad audience! Bad! No refills!_**

**Peter:** Look, it's Mary-Jane! Let's play rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to talk to her!

**_Harry and Peter play rock, paper, scissors. Peter loses._**

**Peter:** Damn! Oh well, I get her in the end.

**Harry:** to MJ Hi! I'm here to talk to you!

**Mary-Jane:** Okay! Let's talk about spiders!

**Harry:** Sure! pause Spiders...have eight legs!

**Mary-Jane:** And lots of eyes!

**Harry:** And spin webs!

**Mary-Jane:** And eat bugs!

**_Pause_**

**Harry:** My dad is rich.

**Cool Teacher:** Hey, Osborn! Shaddap!!

**_Harry is drug away kicking and screaming. Peter uses this opportunity to be smooth and hit on MJ._**

**Peter:** Hey, can I take your picture? It's for the "school paper." Not my personal collection of photos which I've been taking through your bedroom window.

**Mary-Jane:** Cool! I'll just strike an erotic pose next to...THE SPIDERS...

**Peter:** click! Yeah, that's it! click! Yeah! click! Work it! click! Love the camera! click! It loves you! click! Now give us a pout... click! That's it! click!

**_Mary-Jane leaves. Unbeknownst (I love that word!) to Peter, a little spider has crawled onto his hand._**

**Spider:** with top hat and cane, dancing Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag-time gaaaaaal...

**Peter:** oblivious

**Spider:** starts to Moon Walk

**Peter:** oblivious

**Spider:** doing the Duck Walk

**Peter:** still oblivious

**Spider:** pant pant Oh what the hell. chomp!

**Peter:** Yeeeek! Owie! Owie owie ow ow ow ooooowwwwwwww!!

**Audience:** Well, THAT got his attention...

_**Continue to chapter threeeee...**_


	3. Oooh, Another Chapter!

_**Cut to OsCrap...uh, I mean OsCorp Industries. It's a really big, super- cool building with tons of environment-friendly smokestacks everywhere. Inside THE LAB...**_

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** Look at the glider!

**Audience:** Wing!

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** ...Anyway...uh...it works now.

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** So?! It sucks! Nuke it!!

_**Norman comes in reading the script.**_

**Norman:** Hey, Blaze?

**Blaze:** (dreamily) Yes?

**Norman:** eye twitches ...Right... Anyway, why does my staff have such weird names?

**Blaze:** Because they don't hold a candle to you!

**Norman:** Oy. tosses script and puts on a big fake smile Good morning!

**All:** (classroom-like) Good morning, Mr. Osborn!

**Norman:** It's always nice to have our extremely annoying and vastly overpaid-for-their-crappy-opinion board members pays us a little visit.

**Bald guy:** Actually, we're here to take over the co...gets hit by the Old Anal Board member...WHUF!

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** Where's the Strong Man stuff?

**Norman:** ...What?

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** The Strong Man stuff! You know, the stuff that created the Ninja Turtles!

**Norman:** Oh, THAT stuff! It's really easy to make. I could give you the recipe if you want...

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** Have ya tested it yet?

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** Yeah, and the results were really kinda...

**Norman:** (cuts him off) Really kinda great!

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** Actually, they kinda reeked...

**Norman:** (cuts him off again) They reeked of money! Er...I mean...benefits...for...the outcome of this project!

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** Translate, Doctor.

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** Well, we tested the stuff on lab chickens and the results were kinda...ah, I'd better sing it.

**Norman:** Oh God...HIT THE DECK!!

_**Everyone in the room drops to the floor.**_

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** (singing) Teenage Mutant Kung Fu chickens! Big as a house, strong as the dickens! Anything they want is easy pickin's for Teenage Mutant Kung Fu chickens!

_**Suddenly, every glass object in the lab explodes. Norman, now thoroughly pissed, looks to Blaze. Dr. I.T.B.D.I.T.E.M. is mysteriously struck by a bolt of lightning.**_

**Old Anal Board member:** Strange weather we're having today.

**Bald guy:** Yeah...and we're not even outside!

**Blaze:** (winks at Norman and then looks around innocently)

**Norman:** (eye twitches again) Um...anyway, we're ready to test the Strong Man stuff on some poor sap...uh...I mean...brave human volunteer.

**Audience:** (snicker)

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** I don't care! I'm the biggest ass in the movie, so I say it sucks! Two weeks, and I pull your funding!

**Norman:** Don't you mean 'two weeks OR I'll pull your funding'?

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** NO!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

_**The dumb-ass general continues to laugh. Norman, now very sad, looks pleadingly to Blaze.**_

**Blaze:** (in freaky echoing voice) YOU HAVE UPSET MY NORMIE-CHAN!!

**Norman:** (eyes pop) Normie-chan?!?!

**Blaze:** NOW YOU MUST PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!

**_Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it is mysteriously struck by a bolt of lightning._**

**Old Anal Board member:** It happened again!

**Bald guy:** What are the odds!

**_The General and board members leave._**

**Norman:** (takes out a notepad and writes under his "Things to do Once I get Superpowers" list) Kill...General...and board members.

**Blaze:** (dancing around holding Japanese fans) Nor-man! Nor-man! Nor- man!

**Norman:** (exasperated sigh)

_**Cut to the Parker residence. Uncle Ben is messing around with a light bulb. Aunt May is watching.**_

**Uncle Ben:** Behold! The power of the sun!

**Aunt May:** Or General Electric. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

**Uncle Ben:** Huh?

**Aunt May:** Whoops. Wrong line. All I can remember is that it had the word "ass" in it.

**Uncle Ben:** Pleeeese! Say $$!

**Aunt May:** Okay, get your $$ off of that chair and hand me that bowl.

**Uncle Ben:** Can't. I have to look in the paper for a job I definitely won't get because I'm old.

**_Peter comes in._**

**Peter:** Can't talk now! I have to go up to my room, take off my shirt for now reason, pass out on the floor, and dream of spiders. Bye!

**Aunt May:** Okay, dear. Have fun!

_**Peter goes up to his room, takes off his shirt for no reason, passes out on the floor, and dreams of spiders. Cut to OsCrap...damn! OsCORP Industries at night. In THE LAB...**_

**Norman:** If she messes up that name one more time...

**Blaze:** SOR-RY!

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** Quit talking to the writer and think about your own ass!

**Blaze:** I think about it! (wink)

**Norman:** ...Now I'm scared.

**Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie:** We're supposed to use a poor brave sap to test the Strong Man stuff, not the company head honcho!

**Norman:** Shut up! How else am I supposed to get super powers and kill the General and my Board Members?

_**Norman takes off his shirt (whoohoo!) and gets ready to be "gassed."**_

**Norman:** Here's where I say something profound. (ahem) One small step for man, a giant leap for my wallet!

_**Norman gets on the metal thing. Dr. I.t.b.d.i.t.e.m. puts a metal restraint on Norman; Norman objects to it being cold. After getting mysteriously struck by a bolt of lightning again, the doctor hits THE BUTTON. Norman is taken into the big glass fish tank and the gas comes in...**_

**Norman:** AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! THE PAIN!!

**Dr./Blaze** !!!

**Norman:** Hehehehehe. Just kidding.

_**Everything goes smoothly. Suddenly, Norman starts to spasm and jerk around wildly.**_

**Dr. I.t.b.d.i.t.e.m.:** What's he doing?

**Blaze:** Looks like he's trying to breakdance.

**Dr. I.t.b.d.i.t.e.m.:** What?! He can't breakdance with that restraint on!

_**The moron drains the chamber, goes in, and takes off the restraint.**_

**Norman:** Boo!! hurls Dr. I.t.b.d.i.t.e.m. through the glass

**Dr. I.t.b.d.i.t.e.m.:** Looks like a raise is out of the question. dies

**Norman:** strikes a freaky karate pose and jumps out of the tank ROAR!

**Blaze:** Things just got interesting.

**_Go to Chapter Foooooour..._**


	4. Does it ever stop

**_Cut back to the Parker residence. Peter wakes up and gets up from the floor._**

**Peter:** yawn ... (BELCH!!)

_**Peter puts on his glasses.**_

**Peter:** AAAAAAHH!! I'm blind!! (yanks his glasses off) Whew! (notices his reflection, which is now studly and buff)

**Tobey Maguire Fan Girl:** Eeeeeeeee!! (faints)

**Peter:** (flexes) Well, if the photography thing doesn't work, I can always get a job at Chip n' Dales...

**Aunt May:** Peter? Are you feeling studly and buff after dreaming about spiders?

**Peter:** Yeah!

**Aunt May:** Good! Now get your ass downstairs! You'll be late for kid jail-I mean school.

**Uncle Ben:** Goddammit, May, stop saying 'ass'!

**Aunt May:** Ass!

**_Once again, half the audience tries to leave. This time, the doors are blocked by machine-gun wielding Nazis. The audience, not wanting to re- enact the Holocaust, sits back down. Peter runs downstairs, making lots of noise._**

**Aunt May:** Have a nice day, dear! Ass!

**Uncle Ben:** MAY!! Don't forget, Pete! We're painting the crappy orange kitchen turquoise when you get home!

**Peter:** Okay, I won't show up!

**_Peter heads out the door. Outside, he sees Mary-Jane's drunk bum-ass dad yelling at her as she leaves. Peter follows her down the street, and begins to rehearse a come-on._**

**Peter:** (to himself) Hey, baby, w'sup? You be lookin' all fine, n' shit. Hows about you and me git da freak on?

**_Meanwhile, a car carrying two other airhead girls pulls up, picks up Mary-Jane, and drives off._**

**Peter:** ...Damn. (notices the bus driving by) Damn 2 (damn squared)!!

**_Peter chases the bus, but it does not stop (big surprise there). Interestingly, the bizarre and somewhat random paper thingy on the side of the bus sticks to Peter's hand._**

**Peter:** Okay, who put crazy glue on my hand?! Blaze?!

**Blaze:** NOT ME!!

**_Cut to Norman Osborn's Hogwarts-in-New-York mansion. Inside THE DEN..._**

**Harry:** (sees his dad sprawled out on the floor) Dad! (sniff) Ew... I think he's been in the sauce again.

**Norman:** (snort) (drool)

**Harry:** (shakes Norman) Dad, get up!

**Norman:** (snort) Five more minutes, mom...

**Blaze:** (hands Harry a megaphone) Here. Try this.

**Harry:** Thanks! (through megaphone) DAD!!!

**Norman:** YAAAAAAH!! (pulls a Tom and Jerry...in other words, he's now hanging on the ceiling)

**Blaze:** ...Cool!

**Norman:** (hits the floor with a big WHUMP!) Ow.

**Harry:** Forget where your bed was?

**Norman:** No. It was occupied. (glares at you-know-who)

**Blaze:** (big grin)

_**Suddenly, Norman's annoying assistant bursts into the room, followed by Peeves the butler.**_

**Annoying Assistant:** Mr. Osborn! Mr. Osborn!

**Norman:** I suddenly have a migraine.

**Harry:** Begone, Annoying Assistant!

**Peeves:** (throws a cane) Heeheeheeheeheehee!!

**Annoying Assistant:** Dr. I'm-the-biggest-dork-in-the-entire-movie is dead!

**Norman:** Dead?

**Annoying Assistant:** Dead! Gone! Croaked! Kicked the bucket! Bit the big one! Bought the farm!

**All:** We get the point!

**Annoying Assistant:** And the flight suit and the glider...

**Audience:** Wing!

**Annoying Assistant:** ...that Blaze neglected to mention in the original lab scene...

**Blaze:** Are you accusing me of incompetence?!

**Norman:** (vein on temple twitching) What about it? Shut up, Blaze!!

**Blaze:** ...(sniff)...

**Harry:** Uh oh...

**Blaze:** ...(eyes water)...(sniffle)...(sniff)...

**_Thunder clouds begin to form above everyone's heads. Lightning flashes._**

**Harry:** I think you'd better apologize, dad...

**Norman:** I'd rather eat...(BOOM!) O.O ...I'm sorry!!

**_The clouds vanish._**

**All:** ... ... ...

**Norman:** ...Um...what were we talking about before?

**Annoying Assistant:** The flight suit and glider.

**Audience:** Wing!!

**Norman:** Okay. What?

**Annoying Assistant:** They've been stolen! Poof! Gone!

**Norman:** At least _somebody_ wanted that piece of-uh...no! That's horrible!

_**Cut to SCHOOL. In the lunchroom, Peter is busily knawing away at his french fries.**_

**Peter:** Strange background music warning me of danger...

**_Mary-Jane walks by and slips on some O.J. Peter whirls around, catches MJ, then her tray and food._**

**Mary-Jane:** Wow! Great Matrix effects!

**Peter:** Yeah! I'm Neo's stuntman.

**Mary-Jane:** Cool! Hey, you actually have eyes! I was beginning to think that you didn't, with those foot-thick glasses of yours.

**Peter:** ... ... ...

**Mary-Jane:** I have to go sit with my prehistoric idiot boyfriend now. Bye!

_**Peter sits back down. He sees his fork stuck to his hand.**_

**Peter:** Damn static cling!

_**Peter tries to shake off the fork, but only succeeds in shooting silly string from his wrists, snagging a nearby tray, and whacking Flash with it. This action makes the prehistoric idiot mad, so he follows Peter down the hall and a fight ensues. Peter kicks his ass.**_

**Peter:** Who's yo daddy now, bitch?!

**_Peter then runs off to test his new super-powers._**

**Peter:** Wheee! I can climb walls! Watch as I leap from roof to roof with the help of crappy CGI! Wheee! Oh look! A large chasm of buildings I can't leap across! No worries! I can use my organic silly string to conquer this obstacle! (holds out hand) Go web! (nothing) Flyyy! (no.) Up up and away web! (not quite) Shazaam! (Hey, you stole that line!) Go! (nope) Go! (nuthin') Go web go! (give it up, moron)

**_Peter does the classic Spider-Man hand thingy and the web comes out. Yaaaay!_**

**Peter:** I AM DORK-ZAN! KING OF THE BUILDING WALLS! YAAAAAAAAAA!!! (slams into a building wall) YEEEAH, BABY!!

_**Peter eventually goes home to find the crappy orange kitchen painted turquoise. Hey, he said that he wouldn't show up! Peter looks out the window and sees Mary-Jane's drunk bum-ass dad yelling at her again. He takes out the trash, he and MJ talk and crap, and she leaves. Peter decides to look for a car.**_

**Peter:** I am a dork who thinks that a nice car will impress a girl.

**Audience:** No, you're an UBER DORK who thinks that a nice car will impress a girl.

**_Peter stumbles across an ad for amateur wrestlers._**

**Peter:** Yay! With my newfound superpowers, I am sure to kick all kinds of ass!

**_Peter begins drawing a bunch of pictures that make Blaze very jealous. Soon, the classic Spider-Man suit is conceived. Peter then begins to practice shooting his silly string and breaks a bunch of stuff. This makes Aunt May say "ass" 342 times. Later, Uncle Ben drives Peter to the "library." They talk and Peter acts mean. Cut to THE RING..._**

**Crowd:** INJURY! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!

**Randy Sav...uh...Bone Saw:** My voice makes Blaze grit her teeth!

**Blaze:** (grits her teeth)

**_Peter comes in, clad in his crappy, early-version of the Spider-Man suit. Bone Saw's hoes (one of which who looks remarkably like The Rock) taunt him. The fight starts._**

**Bone Saw:** Watch as I crush you with my massive bulk!

**W. Spider-Man:** And watch as I use my super powers (which you don't know about, BTW) to cowardly escape you! HA!

**Bone Saw:** Chicken!

**W. Spider-Man:** Damn straight! Cluck! Cluck! Oh, and while I'm out of your feeble human grasp, I'm going to call you gay.

**Bone Saw:** ...Is it THAT obvious?

**W. Spider-Man:** Oh c'mon, dude, you're wearing SILVER and PINK!

**Bone Saw:** (makes a face) Oh...yeah...

**_W. Spider-Man jumps down and pulls a bunch of moves that should be considered illegal in wrestling. Bone Saw catches him and proceeds to beat the snot out of him._**

**W. Spider-Man:** Look! It's Sailor Moon!

**Bone Saw:** Oooo! Where?!

**_W. Spider-Man beats him!_**

**Audience:** Yay.

**_Huh?! Why cut off here?! Read onnn..._**


	5. OMG there's MORE!

**_Cut to the Manager's Office. There are pictures of topless women on the walls._**

**Audience:** What does this tell us about this guy's character?

**Manager:** Here's $100 bucks. Now scram.

**Peter:** $100? Isn't there supposed to be a 3 followed by three 0s in this payment?

**Manager:** No. I'm just a dumb wrestling manager who doesn't know how to keep promises. The $100 is your tip from Chip n' Dales last night.

**Peter:** ...Is everyone in the wrestling field gay?

**Manager:** No, we're BISEXUAL! There's a difference!

**Audience:** But what about the lewd pictures on the wall?!

**Manager:** I said BIsexual! Meaning male _AND_ FEMALE!

**Audience:** ...dude, you need to make up your mind.

**_Peter leaves and the manager is robbed. Peter does not stop the robber. Peter is walking back towards the library... and out of respect, Blaze skips this scene!_**

**Audience:** CRASH!!

**_Cut to the abandoned warehouse that is/will be in ever super-hero flick ever made._**

**Peter:** Damn $$#!! I'll kick your ass!

**Robber:** Hahahahaha!! I am a New York robber with really bad hair! I'm going to fall out the window now.

**_The robber falls out the window._**

**Audience:** Yay.

**_Cut to the testing area of Evil Inc., Os Cr...(Norman takes a menacing step towards Blaze) Corp! CORP!!'s...bitter enemy...and shit. Anyway, they're testing their dumb Exo-Squad suit. It is a very illogical piece of crap._**

**Evil Inc. Dude:** Our very illogical piece of crap is better than OsCorp's glider.

**Audience:** WING!!

**Gen. I'm-better-than-you-so-deal-with-it:** Nuke it! I mean...good. Let me see it so that I can pull Norman's funding.

**_Suddenly, and emerald-clad warrior astride a wondrous flying thing swoops in, kills everybody, and leaves._**

**Blaze:** (hearts for eyes) Who WAS that masked man?

**Audience:** Who's side is she on?! Puh-leese! The movie is about Spider- Man!

**Blaze:** ...Shut up. Not when I'm writing.

**_Cut to graduation. Peter, Harry, and that dumb red-head have graduated. Norman comes in._**

**Audience:** Oh yeah, it's ALL about NORMAN, isn't it.

**Norman:** Praise me! My dead-beat son has finally graduated!

**Harry:** Shouldn't that be "praise ME?"

**Norman:** No. Go over there and check out that dumb redhead. She's dumping the prehistoric idiot.

**Blaze:** Stop reading the script!

**Norman:** (sticks his tongue out at her)

**Blaze:** Grrrr... (eyes glow)

**Norman:** ...(gulp)...anyway... Congratulations, blah blah blah, commencement, yadda yadda yadda, brother, etc.

**Audience:** Um, you wanna run that by us again?

**Norman:** No. (leaves)

**Audience:** Thanks a lot, Blaze! You scared him off!

**_The audience is mysteriously struck by several bolts of lightning. Cut back to the Parker residence._**

**Peter:** I miss Uncle Ben.

**Aunt May:** Me too. I know! Let's wave to him off-set!

**_Peter and Aunt May wave to Uncle Ben, who is standing off-set. He waves back._**

**Aunt May:** Feel better now?

**Peter:** Lots! Now, thanks to the inspiration that waving to Uncle Ben has given me, I can become a superhero! But you don't know that.

**Aunt May:** Aaah. Dramatic irony. Gotcha. Ass.

**_We now see a bunch of random scenes of Spider-Man saving the day. We also see interviews of people who think Spider-Man is hot. Blegh. Cut to the Bi-Weekly Oboe..._**

**J. Jonah Jameson:** Who is Spider-Man? Other than the guy this movie is named after (it should be ME, dammit!), he's a dude running around New York City in his underwear!

**News Dude:** Don't ALL superheroes?

**J. Jonah Jameson:** Yes. ...Anyway, put an ad on the front page so that Spider- Man's alter ego will bring me photos of himself in action. And somebody get me some hemorrhoid cream!!

**_Cut to a scene with Peter and Mary-Jane that is far too boring to repeat. Cut to Peter and Harry's swanky apartment_**

**Peter:** Hi honey, I'm hooooome!

**Norman:** (chattering on the phone)

**_Norman does a fake rich-guy laugh which makes Blaze laugh, which makes Peter laugh, which makes Harry laugh, which makes the audience laugh, and now everyone's laughing for no goddamn reason at all._**

**All:** (pause) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

**_Ten minutes later, everyone is exhausted from laughing. The scene continues._**

**Harry:** Hey, Pete, c'mere and do my homework for me.

**Peter:** No, you girlfriend-stealing hack!

**Norman:** Hey, Peter, who's Harry dating?

**Peter:** The chick I was after. But I'm just gonna say that I dunno.

**Harry:** Hey, dad, Peter needs a job. He got fired because he's spending to much time as Spider-Man. But you and I aren't supposed to know that.

**Norman:** Ahhh. And you're not supposed to know that I'm a schizophrenic psycho.

**Harry:** The amount of dramatic irony in this film is astounding.

**Audience:** As it is with most superhero films. Except for the _Fantastic Four_. EVERYBODY knew who THEY were. Yeah, they thought they were soooo special 'cause everybody in the world knew their secret identities. Well guess what, Fantastic Four! YOU SUCK! You should keep your identities secret, just like all the other superheroes! You guys think you're better? Huh? HUH?! DO YA?!

**Blaze:** ...damn. I didn't know there was so much penned up agression concerning the Fantastic Four.

**Peter:** I can find my own job. I'm going to take photos of myself as Spider-Man and freelance them to the _Bi-Weekly Oboe_ for more money than Blaze gets in a month.

**Blaze:** (shakes miniscule girly fist) Curse you!

**Norman:** Okay, have fun. And I definitely make more money than Blaze.

**Blaze:** (shakes both miniscule girly fists) Curse you too!

**Audience:** Are you turning against Norman?

**Blaze:** Hell no!! (lunges for Norman, who nimbly dodges) Damn. Curse your newfound nimbleness. Oh well, I'll get him next time. And perhaps come up with better alliteration in the process! HaHA!!

**Next Paaaaart...**


	6. How long is this spoof anyway?

Thanks to those of you who've given me reviews so far!

**Spring Violet **- Yeah, I decided to take the whole thing back to square one and re-do some scenes and make it easier to read. I didn't know that it looked all jumbled up like it did! ; And of course Norman is hot! He's Willem freakin' Dafoe! L

**htbthomas **- Thanks for your time! I'll try to keep it interesting for you! 3

Now, on to the spoof!

**_

* * *

_**

**_The Bi-Weekly Oboe... J.J.J. is looking at Peter's collection of insanely- angled photos._**

**J.J.J.:** (awestruck at photos) ...THEY'RE CRAP!

**Audience:** CRASH!

**Peter:** Okay, I'll go to the _New York Times_...

**J.J.J.:** Bullshit. Here's $300 bucks. Bring me more photos, and no, you don't have a job.

**Peter:** Damn.

**_Peter flirts with the secretary. Cut to...(looks around for Norman) OsCRAP!!!'s HQ. (Norman suddenly appears and throttles Blaze. He then runs to his scene.)_**

**Norman:** OsCorp's doing great economically! And it's a really good thing that Blaze is unconscious, because this would be a great time to attack me from behind.

**Blaze:** (is unconscious)

**_Blaze's alter ego, Grace, comes in._**

**Grace:** Well if she can't do it, I can! (whacks Norman with a rubber chicken and leaves the story, never to return.)

**Norman:** ...Ow.

**Old Anal Board Member:** Sorry, Norman, but you're fired.

**Norman:** Bull. YOU'RE fired.

**Old Anal Board Member:** No, you.

**Norman:** No, YOU.

**Old Anal Board Member:** We're the Board of Directors. That means you're fired.

**Norman:** And I hired all of you, so that means _you're_ fired.

**O.A.B.M.:** Does not.

**Norman:** Does too.

**O.A.B.M.** Does not.

**Norman:** Does too.

**O.A.B.M.:** You wanna take this outside?

**Norman:** Bring it on, bitch!

**_They don't quite make it outside. Instead, Norman tackles O.A.B.M. and proceeds to beat the snot out of him._**

**Other Boardmembers:** Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

**_Suddenly, Blaze performs her rendition of Night of the Living Dead by rising eerily off the floor, eyes glowing._**

**Blaze:** (in that weird echoing voice again) YOU CAN'T FIRE THE C.E.O.!!

**O.A.B.M.:** (through swollen lip and bloody nose) Yes I can.

**Norman:** (WHAM!)

**O.A.B.M.:** ...Owwww...my dentures...

**Blaze:** FEEL MY WRATH, YUPPIES!!

**_All of the board members (except for Norman) are struck repeatedly by bolts of lightning...mysteriously. Suddenly, Kaede (sounds like Katie) comes in, holding a whip and chair._**

**Kaede:** BACK, FOUL BEAST!!

**Blaze:** _Hisssss!!!_ (backs down)

**Audience:** Who the hell is she?!

**Grace:** Harry's future girlfriend in our fan fic, but you don't know that.

**Audience:** We thought you weren't returning.

**Grace:** I'm not. (POOF!)

_**Cut to Times Square during some holiday created solely for the movie. Harry is now dating Mary-Jane (what's WRONG with him?!) and Peter is jealous.**_

**Peter:** I'm jealous. There's that damn background music again...

**_Suddenly, the emerald-clad warrior on his wonderous flying thing from earlier appears._**

**Audience:** Once again, we ask whose side she is on.

**Green Goblin:** Isn't it obvious?

**Blaze:** (hearts for eyes)

**Harry:** Look, it's my dad! Uh...I mean...someone I've never met before in my life who definately _isn't_ my dad.

**Green Goblin:** Hahaha, the crowd loves me! Well who wouldn't? After all, I do look stunningly sexy in this skin-tight armor.

**Blaze:** Damn straight!

**_The Green Goblin zooms over the crowd, circles around, and throws a glowing orange ball at the building where Harry and Mary-Jane are. The floor below them explodes._**

**Mary-Jane:** Ooo! Fireworks!

**Audience:** No, you air-head!!

**Green Goblin:** HAHAHAHAHAHAA!! Tremble at my spookiness! (throws another orange ball now referred to as a "pumpkin bomb" The balcony explodes again.)

**Mary-Jane:** Oh no! The section of balcony I just happen to be standing on is crumbling!

**Harry:** I'm too concerned about my own ass to actually reach over and help you, so I'm just going to scream your name.

**_Meanwhile, Peter is running through the crowd, stripping. (All that time at Chip n' Dales must've paid off.) Despite the hundreds of people surrounding him from every side, no one notices the Spider-Man suit under his shirt._**

**Audience:** Strange how that always happens.

**Green Goblin:** HAHAHAHAHAAA! Wanna see something cool? Watch this!

**_The Green Goblin throws a "pumpkin bomb," and the OsCorp (ha! I got it right!) board members are turned to dust._**

**Audience:** Clean up, Asle Four.

**Mary-Jane:** Wow, that WAS cool!

**Harry:** (gets knocked out)

**Green Goblin:** (to MJ) Booga booga!!

**Mary-Jane:** Eeek! Scary dude in a tight suit!

**Green Goblin:** Who, me?

**Mary-Jane:** (points) No, him!

**_Spider-Man comes swooping into the scene._**

**Green Goblin:** Whoa, that IS scary! And LOUD!

**_Spider-Man kicks the Green Goblin off of his glider; the Goblin falls inot a convieniently-placed tent, and Spider-Man is mysteriously struck by a bolt of lightning. All in all, it's a painful experience for both._**

**Blaze:** Damn arachnid tight-wearing jerk, I'll kick your ass!!

**_Spider-Man saves a dumb kid who doesn't know how to move out of the way of a falling arch. The Green Goblin re-appears and proceeds to beat up a few cops. Spider-Man swings at the Green Goblin._**

**Green Goblin:** (catches Spider-Man's fist) Oh puh-leeze. (kicks Spider- Man through a bunch of tables and into a light pole which falls and hits a guy)

**Audience:** OUCH!

**_The Goblin re-mounts his wing and starts shooting at Spider-Man._**

**Blaze:** That's not going to work! Here, try this. (tosses him a can of Raid)

**Green Goblin:** Hmm...for some reason, it makes a weird sort of sense.

**Spider-Man:** Must save Mary-Jane! (gets Raid-ed) (twitch) (cough) (twitch) Ow.

_**After somewhat recovering from fumagation, Spider-Man makes his way over to Mary-Jane by jumping on the really fake-looking balloons. On his final and most dramatic jump, he is intercepted by the Green Goblin and slammed into the windows of the balcony.**_

**Green Goblin:** (slamming Spider-Man's head into the bars over and over) Say 'Uncle!'

**Spider-Man:** Never!

**Green Goblin:** (Wham!) Say it!

**Spider-Man:** No!

**Green Goblin:** (WHAM!) SAY IT!

**Spider-Man:** Owwww... ...no. (elbows the Goblin in the face...and gets struck by lightning)

**_Spidey and the Goblin have a slugfest on the glider; all the while, Spidey gets zapped with every punch._**

**Spider-Man:** Who the hell keeps on doing that?!

**Green Goblin:** Didn't you know? The writer's on my side.

**Spider-Man:** ...Damn! (gets knocked off the glider) I'm coming, MJ!

**Green Goblin:** Ooo! I get to attack Speedo-Man from behind! Yay!

_**Spider-Man whirls around, shoots webbing in the Goblin's face, gets struck by lightning, yanks wires out of the glider, and gets struck by lightning. The Goblin goes spiraling off.**_

**Green Goblin:** We'll meet again, Spider-Maaaaan!! ...Damn, that sounded cheesey. Arg! (flies off)

**_Mary-Jane falls. Fakely. I mean really fakely. You can't get much faker than this really fake fall. Suddenly...gasp! Suprise! Spider-Man saves her!_**

**Spider-Man:** Oh yeah. I'm good.

**Audience:** (yawn) Anybody got a rifle?

**_Spider-Man whisks Mary-Jane away to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral...which is obviously the Inspiration Point of New York. Anyway, they say some pointless stuff and Spider-Man happily swings off. Cut to Peter and Harry's bachelor pad._**

**Harry:** (chattering to MJ on the phone)

**Peter:** (snickering behind Harry's back, 'cause Harry is even dorkier than him when it comes to talking to girls)

**_Mary-Jane hangs up on Harry because he pulls a line that should have come out of Peter._**

**Harry:** Peter's dorkiness must be contageous. Yet another reason to make ME the hero of this film.

**Peter:** I'm full of angst because Harry nabbed MJ before me.

**Harry:** Oh well; ya snooze, ya loose. I'll leave you to think about how to stop my dad. G'night!

**Peter:** (broods in his angsty angst, but also realizes that he is cooler than Harry 'cause he can shoot silly string out of his wrists)

**More after thiiiiisss...**


	7. CHAPTER SEVEN! WHOO!

**_Cut back to Norman's Hogwarts-in-New-York mansion. Norman is pouring himself a shot._**

**Norman:** I look and feel like hell. Time to kill a few brain cells.

**Green Goblin:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Norman:** ... ... ... I haven't even taken a swig, and I'm already hearing things.

**Green Goblin:** Fear me!

**Norman:** No thanks. Go away, I'm trying to get drunk.

**Green Goblin:** Do you know where I am?

**Norman:** (looks around and sees a pair of feet behind the couch) Behind the couch?

**Killer from Scary Movie:** Aww, man! Not again! (leaves)

**Norman:** ...Mel Brooks, eat your heart out.

**Mel Brooks:** Sorry, punk, not yet!

**Green Goblin:** I'm still here, ya know.

**Norman:** Ah. Okay. Now go away.

**Green Goblin:** (sigh) Blaze, a little help here.

**_Blaze comes in, hands Norman a script, and whacks him with a rubber chicken._**

**Norman:** (reads) That's all I'm supposed to do?

**Blaze:** Yeah. Sam Raimi keeps trying to tell you that, but you just won't listen.

**Sam Raimi:** READ THE DAMNED SCRIPT, WILLEM, READ IT!!!

**Norman:** ...Okay. (stands in front of mirror) That better?

**Blaze/Sam Raimi:** Yeah.

**Norman:** ...Man, I really do look like hell.

**Blaze:** But in a good way.

**Norman:** She's never going to give up, is she?

**Green Goblin:** I hope not! Mee-yow!

**Norman:** (blink) (blush) Anyway...um...what do you want?

**Green Goblin:** (who is now Norman's reflection) To do all the stuff you're too chicken to do. Skydiving. Bungee jumping. Puppy kicking. Killing your board members.

**Norman:** YOU did that?

**Green Goblin:** No, WE did that.

**Norman:** (blink) (tosses his shot over his shoulder) We nothing. I was asleep.

**Green Goblin:** Yeah. (to Blaze) And he snores, too.

**Norman:** (blushing) I do not!

**Green Goblin:** Do too!

**Norman:** Do not!

**Green Goblin:** Do too!

**Norman:** You're crazy!

**Green Goblin:** I'M crazy? I'm not the one talking to my reflection, dude.

**Norman:** Yeah! ...Hey, wait a second!

**Green Goblin:** Anyway, stick with me, and you'll be the biggest pimp-daddy around!

**Blaze:** (growling) Not if he knows what's good for him...

**Norman:** Eeep! Well, that occupation's out; got another one for me?

**Green Goblin:** Erm...nope.

**Norman:** Oh. Okay then. (pause) Now what?

**Green Goblin:** We go raise hell at the _Bi-Weekly Oboe_! Spider-Man will be there!

**Norman:** Goodie! I can get his autograph and then kick his ass!

**Green Goblin:** Exactly! And then you can sell the autograph for a loudicrous amount of money on E-Bay!

**Norman:** It's brilliant, Brilliant!

**Norman/Green Goblin:** BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (gasp) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!

**Blaze:** ... O.o

**_Cut to the Bi-Weekly Oboe. Peter is sour at J.J.J. for printing a bunch of crap about Spider-Man. Just as Peter is about to leave, guess who shows up!_**

**Audience:** Jimmy Hoffa?

**Blaze:** NO!

**_The wall explodes and in comes..._**

**Green Goblin:** I need no introduction! Just FEAR! FEAR ME! I'M SCARY! BOOGABOOGA!!!

**Audience:** Not when you pull lines like that.

**Green Goblin:** (to J.J.J.) Produce the guy who taketh the wildly-angled photos of Spider-Man!

**J.J.J.:** No, you green Power Ranger wannabe!

**Green Goblin:** Very well! You will not produce the photographer, then you will SUFFER!

**J.J.J.:** Give me your worst!

**Green Goblin:** Okay, you asked for it!

**_To everyone's horror, the Green Goblin begins to impersonate Elvis!_**

**All:** AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**Green Goblin:** (in the oh-so-famous white rhinestone suit) I just-a wanna be your teddy bear!

**All:** MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOP!!

**Blaze:** (attempting to commit suicide)

**Peter:** Oh no! If the writer kills herself, she cannot end the spoof! I must _dooo_ something!

**_Peter runs off, strips, and comes back as Spider-Man._**

**Spider-Man:** SHUT UP!

**Green Goblin:** Humph. Everyone's a critic. (loses the suit, thank God)

**J.J.J.:** You both suck!

**Spider-Man:** (webs J.J.J.) Hush! I'm about to make a diragatory, almost gay remark about the Green Goblin!

**Blaze:** (creeplily) TRY IT.

**Spider-Man:** ...Nevermind.

**Green Goblin:** You're sleepy, aren't you.

**Spider-Man:** No, I'm fine, thank you.

**Green Goblin:** No you're not.

**Spider-Man:** Yes I am.

**Green Goblin:** (knocks Spider-Man out) No you're not.

**_The Goblin whisks Spider-Man away to some unknown rooftop._**

**Blaze:** I wish he'd whisk ME away to some unknown rooftop.

**Green Goblin:** Later.

**Blaze:** Promise?

**Green Goblin:** Hell yeah! Now go away! He's waking up!

**Spider-Man:** Unnngh...mental note...never try to argue with a guy on a glider.

**Audience:** WING, DAMMIT! WING!!!

**Green Goblin:** (in the Godfather voice) I'm gonna make you an offa you can't refuze.

**Spider-Man:** No...not the Godfather...

**Green Goblin:** Join me...or I'll stick a horse's head in your bed!

**Spider-Man:** Dismembered beasts of burden do not frighten me!

**Green Goblin:** ...Really? ...Not even just a little?

**Spider-Man:** Nope.

**Green Goblin:** Oh. Well, in that case...join me or I shall summon the Spanish Inquisition!

**_Three guys in red robes jump out of nowhere._**

**Guy #1:** Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise; suprise and fear...our two weapons are fear and suprise and ruthless efficiency...our three weapons are fear and suprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope...our four...no...amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as...

**Green Goblin:** SHUT UP!! to Spider-Man Now you see what you're up against! Now join me, or you'll be put in (dum DUM duuuuum) THE COMFY CHAIR!!

**Spider-Man:** -- Oy. Has anyone ever told you that you're an idiot?

**_Spider-Man is mysteriously struck by a bolt of lightning._**

**Green Goblin:** I may be an idiot, but I'm a superior idiot. Did YOU ever play Jesus Christ in a movie? Don't think so!

**Spider-Man:** No...but I was in _Pleasantville_!

**Green Goblin:** Psssh. That movie sucked. (pause) You know, you and I are alike.

**Spider-Man:** What, we were both in sucky movies?

**Green Goblin:** Well yeah...but that's not what I meant. What I meant was...look at us! We're genetically-altered mutant freaks! The humans hate us and will one day send giant Sentinels out to kill us. We've GOT to stick together, or one day we'll end up on the sole of some big robot's Sketchers! It's do or shoe, man!

**Spider-Man:** ...Would you like the number to Arkham Assylum?

**Green Goblin:** No. (to Blaze) Yours, on the other hand, would be greatly appreciated...

**Blaze:** (gasp) He flirted with me!! Hmm. Figures he only would do so when he's crazy. Oh well!

**Green Goblin:** (to Spider-Man) Anyway...THINK ABOUT IT!! (to Blaze) Now...about that rooftop thing...(wink)

**Blaze:** LET'S GO.

**More neeeext!!**


	8. The Snitch Goes On

Lo and behold, I added more! Sorry, 'bout the delay, folks. My life's been more hectic than the goings on in Norman Osborn's brain! (gets whacked by pumpkin bomb) Ow. Anyway, enjoy this latest installation, and hopefully I'll add more soon! (runs from angry reviewers)

-Blaze

* * *

_**Cut to Soap Opera Alley. Peter and Mary-Jane talk, and Peter reveals that he's stalking her. Mary-Jane leaves, and it conveniently starts to rain. Unbeknownst (there's that word again!) to her, Peter has followed her...and he's stripping.**_

**Peter:** I've GOT to get a new job...

_**Mary-Jane is attacked by a bunch of your typical lecherous street thugs.**_

**Thug #1:** Cleavage!!

**_For the third time, half the audience gets up to leave. The doors are unguarded. Just as they reach the doors, an invisible force-field stops them. Before they know it, a gaggle of mimes surrounds them._**

**Audience:** AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (sits back down)

**_Suddenly, the thugs are jerked back by organic silly string!_**

**Mary-Jane:** Tuxedo Mask! Erm...Spider-Man! You saved me again!

**Spider-Parker:** Yes, but I forgot to put on my mask while I was stripping! (puts mask on) There, that's better! Now let me hang upside down so that you and I can share the nastiest kiss since _Wuthering Heights_!

**Audience:** You mean the one with the string of spit?

**Spider-Man:** That's the one!

**_Spider-Man and Mary-Jane kiss. It is nasty. Cut to a burning building. A hysterical mother screams about her baby._**

**Audience:** Okay, number one, this is EXTREMELY cliché. Number two, what is her baby doing in there, anyway? It's quite obvious that the kid was alone, or someone would have brought it down. Call the child welfare!

**Blaze:** Although I wholeheartedly agree with you, the child had to be left there so that Spider-Man could save it.

**_Spider-man swings in, breaks a window, and saves the baby._**

**Spider-Man:** Here's your neglected child, you wench!

**_There are fake screams coming from the building!_**

**Spider-Man:** Time to save the day...again!

**_Spider-Man shoots his silly string, flies up, breaks another window, and searches for the screamer. When he finds him/her/it, it turns out to be..._**

**Green Goblin:** Me!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

**Audience:** Who didn't see that one coming?

**Spider-Man:** Um...me...

**Green Goblin:** So...did you THINK ABOUT IT?

**Spider-Man:** About what?

**Green Goblin:** You know...IT.

**Spider-Man:** Oh, IT! ...I hate that movie.

**Green Goblin:** (CRASH!!) No, you moron! Remember? The rooftop...robots...Sketchers...getting struck by lightning...

**Spider-Man:** Oooooooh. That. Um...well, here's the thing. I'm kinda involved with someone else right now. Don't take it personal, it's nothing to do with you. I'm just not really wanting to take on two relationships.

**Green Goblin:** ...Did he just imply what I think he just implied? Or am I just implying that he implied it?

**Blaze:** HE _IMPLIED_ THAT HIS LIFE-SPAN IS VERY SHORT!!! (lunges)

**Green Goblin:** (catches her) Hey, I've got a better idea. How about...(whispers)

**Blaze:** O.O!!!!!! Whoo-ha!!

**Green Goblin:** (to Spider-Man) Now...DIE!!

**_The Green Goblin throws a bunch of killer Golden Snitches at Spider-Man. Spider-Man dodges most of them...but one..._**

**Spider-Man:** Aaaaaahh!! My arm! I've been maimed!

**Green Goblin:** HA! That's for calling me an idiot and implying that I'm gay!

**Audience:** That, breaking windows, and stripping seems to be his favorite hobbies.

**Spider-Man:** My confidence is shattered! I'm going home!!

**What will happen next? Is Peter really maimed, or is he just a wussy? Find out next time!**


	9. Huh? Final Fantasy Reference?

WHAT, MORE? YOU WANT MORE???!!!??

* * *

**_Cut to Peter and Harry's luv shack. It's Thanksgiving, and the whole crew will be there to devour a roasted turkey in a sacred pagan ritual._**

**Norman:** Once again, I look like hell. (knocks on door)

**Aunt May:** Ass! I'll get it! Hello, Norman!

**Norman:** Hello, Aunt May! Sorry I'm late. I was busy burning buildings and picking on Spider-Man. Here. Accept my nicely-wrapped offering of fruitcake laced with cyanide. (sees MJ) Eeeeeeehhh...uhhhh...I mean, who is this_ lovely_ young lady?

**Harry:** Dad, I'd like you to meet Mary Jane, my dumb red-head girlfriend. MJ, this is my extremely smart, extremely **rich**...

**Blaze:** Extremely hot!

**Harry:** ...dad, Norman Osborn.

**Norman:** ;; ...Where did I go wrong? Er...I mean...pleased to meet you!

**Aunt May:** Now, where's Peter? He'd better get his ass home with that cranberry sauce.

**_Suddenly, there is the sound of breaking glass and a loud THUMP! from upstairs._**

**Harry:** ...Not again.

**_Everyone goes upstairs to Peter's room, but (surprise!) he's not there! ...Or is he?_**

**Peter:** (hanging from ceiling) Don't look up...don't look up...

**Harry:** Dammit, the window broke again!

**Aunt May:** I wonder why.

**Harry:** Dunno. It seems to break on its own...a lot. As in once every five hours. I mean...Glass Doctors has our apartment on speed dial.

**Norman:** Judging by all the clothes on the floor, I take it his job at Chip n' Dales is going well.

**Aunt May:** Sometimes I wonder if he even bothers to get dressed anymore.

**_Everyone turns to leave. Just as Norman is about to walk out, a drop of blood falls from Peter's fake-looking cut. (causing a few squeamish audience members to pass out). It hits the floor, and Norman hears it. He turns around._**

**Norman:** Curse my ultra-sonic hearing! What's this? A drop of blood?

**Peter:** Oh shit!

**Norman:** Hmmm...now how would a drop of blood that wasn't here just a moment ago suddenly appear on the floor just as I was about to leave? Hmmm...

**Green Goblin:** Look up, you numbnut!

**Norman:** Now, name-calling won't get you anywhere.

**Green Goblin:** Just look up!

**Norman:** No, I sincerely think that you owe me an apology.

**Green Goblin:** Okay, fine. DON'T look up.

**Norman:** (looks up) I don't see anything.

**Green Goblin:** (disembodiedfacepalm)

**Norman:** You're paranoid. But I'll look out the window, just in case. (looks) Nope, nothing. (leaves)

**_Peter comes back in from his hiding place under the window..._**

**Audience:** And NO ONE saw him?! I'd notice a guy in spandex hanging under a window!

**Little Kid Outside:** Mommy, why was that man hanging upside down in his jammies?

**Little Kid Outside's Mommy:** Some people are just strange that way, dear. It happens when you don't eat your vegetables.

**Little Kid Outside:** O.O!!

**_...gets dressed..._**

**Audience:** Now THERE'S a big surprise.

**_...gets downstairs (without being seen, somehow) and magically creates a can of cranberry sauce. I think he pulled it from his pants._**

**Peter:** (bursts through the door) I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!

**The Crew:** Hi, Dorkius-Maximus!

**Peter:** It's a jungle out there!

**_Tarzan swings by the window, followed closely by George of the Jungle._**

**Peter:** See?

**_Everyone sits at the table and Aunt May brings the sacrificial roast turkey. Norman jams his finger into the sweet potatoes, giving Blaze a very suggestive look._**

**Audience:** WTF?! You know you just messed with this story's rating, right?

**Blaze:** (transfixed) I don't care...

**_Aunt May slaps his hand. Kaede knocks Blaze out before she can seek revenge._**

**Aunt May:** Norman, would you like to stab the turkey's ass?

**Norman:** (picks up knife and smiles creepily) Yes, mother...

**Blaze:** If no one gets that reference, I'm going to scream. (passes out again)

**_Norman merrily sharpens the knife. As he is doing so, Aunt May notices the cut on Peter's arm._**

**Aunt May:** Oh my God, Peter! Your ass...uh, arm! It's bleeding!

**Peter:** (slaps forehead) I knew I should have gotten a Band-Aid...

**Audience:** Like ONE Band-Aid is going to cover that big-ass cut.

**Peter:** Um...well, I was walking along, doing...stuff, when out of nowhere a killer Golden Snitch swooped down and gouged a huge chunk out of my arm!

**Norman:** It wasn't me...(looks around innocently)

**Harry, MJ, Aunt May:** (gasp!)

**Peter:** Yeah! And as I lay there, dying, some chick named Yuna came along and cast Curaga on me, restoring all of my HP!

**Mary Jane:** Wow!

**Peter:** And then used my gunblade to rend Ultima Weapon asunder!

**Harry:** ...Okay, now I'm bordering on bullshit.

**Peter:** So when I began my battle with the Chocobo Eater, I...

**Harry:** Okay, no more PS2 for the rest of the week.

**Peter:** Noooooo!! I'll be good, I promise!

**Norman:** Excuse me, but I have become mysteriously distraught and must get the hell out of here!

**Aunt May:** You're leaving? But you haven't even tried my roast turkey's ass!

**Norman:** O.o Erm...I'll take a rain check. Anyway, thanks, blah, blah, blah, enjoy the poisoned fruitcake.

**_Norman turns and walks out the door, followed by Harry. In THE HALL..._**

**Harry:** (in a whiny voice) But Daaaaaaaaad! I wanted you to chat with MJ! Learn her two good traits!

**Audience:** And those would be...what?

**Norman:** From the looks of it, that girl can't string two words together without giggling like a moron.

**Blaze:** Whoo! Go Norman!

**Norman:** Anyway, dump her! She's stupid and I don't like her!

**Harry:** You're wrong!

**Norman:** WHY YOU LITTLE...er...I mean...just dump her.

**Harry:** No.

**Norman:** What if I doubled your allowance?

**Harry:** Um...

**Norman:** And bought you a new car?

**Harry:** Um...

**Norman:** And a pony?

**Harry:** Oooooo...

**Norman:** And a monkey?

**Harry:** Deal!

**_Norman leaves and Harry goes back inside. Unfortunately, everyone heard the conversation because Harry left the door open._**

**Audience:** Busted!

**_MJ gets mad and leaves._**

****

**What an odd place to cut off...oh well. You'll live. **


End file.
